At this darkest time of the year, I feel empty. Taken apart piece by piece, and scoured clean. After four months, I am still in pain, and many things that I once identified myself by are gone. I feel suspended, hanging by a single thread. Waiting for the tide to turn, for the light to [...]
While doctors are scratching their heads over what exactly is wrong with me and what to do about it, I am living with constant pain of varying intensity. The uncertainty about what is causing it and what to do or avoid to help myself get better, or at least no worse, is the most trying [...]
What was the incident that told me, as a young child, that I was not good enough? I certainly don’t know. All I do know is that from a very young age I didn’t feel like I belonged with the other children, that I was somehow not like them. That I needed fixing.
Another thing that [...]
Three days after I wrote the last post, so full of plans and hopes for the future, I was in hospital with an acute attack of pancreatitis. I am told that’s one of the most intense kinds of pain known to man. The doctors don’t know why I had the attack. And they are scratching [...]
Something big is happening. I can feel it. Something fundamental has changed this year. It’s like a chrysalis of my life is cracking and a butterfly is about to come out. That’s how big it feels.
I have learned so much in the last six months or so. First there was the realisation that I had [...]
“Tension is who you think you should be. Relaxation is who you are.”
Chinese proverb
So often, I feel a painful tension in my shoulders, a hardness in my jaw, and a clenching in my stomach. Until recently, I would have said that I don’t know where all this tension comes from. I have so much to [...]
I have been too busy. To my own horror, I realised that this is the sixth weekend in a row that I’m not spending at home. Somewhere, between training courses, visits to my mother and spending time with my tribe, my routine got lost. And I very much need my routine. Without it, I start [...]
